If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.
a kid from my school just got expelled today for pretending to be russian for 8 months. he pretended he couldn’t read, write or talk english he did good in all his classes because he had all the teachers and principles convinced he just moved from russia, so they didn’t make him do any work
a girl walks into a classroom wearing a spaghetti strap shirt. immediately every boy within a 50 yard radius gets a raging erection. the teacher attempts to present a lesson but to no avail, no one can hear over the sound of every male student masturbating to this girl’s shoulders. why couldn’t she just wear a long sleeved shirt
it literally stresses me out how much good music there is that i still haven’t listened to
Don’t ever fucking tell me that dreams dont come true
i don’t care how long it takes
sooner or later, my family will have to look out the window
this is the most adorable thing i’ve seen in my life
hey if you teach your parrot to say ‘parrot’ it’s probably as close as you’ll get to owning a pokemon
My brother tells a story about his roommate’s parrot, that everyone who came to the house would say “you’re a bird!” to it so the bird would repeat the phrase back, no big. Until one day my brother was alone in the house with it and heard it say, very quietly, “I’m a bird.” My brother almost dropped a plate.
omg im gonna do this with my kids for every grade until they finish high school and they will hate me for it but love me for it when theyre 70